Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.

[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”

I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.

Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?

10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-

Me: LANGUAGE!

10: -OG!

Me: ohhh my bad, carry on

A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

“This just in..”

My foot to my mouth.

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: oh god

doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared

I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people

I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill

A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face

Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.

I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.

Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy

“Your call is important to us”

[67 minutes later]

“Your call is important to us”

[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵

My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it