Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
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i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
President The Rock Obama
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that