Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
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I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.