Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
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getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads