I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
You Might Also Like
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
I love wikipedia
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*