Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?

Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.

Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.

Me: no thank you

“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…

My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.

You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job

Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky

Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.

[at home]

ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed

me: well..what’s the problem

ac repair guy: just shit in the filter

me: wait..to fix it??

It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning

No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.

I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.

“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”

guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face

me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy

My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM

If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…

My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”

*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!

[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share

My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.

My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.

I’m so blessed.

Where is that goddamn asteroid already

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.

A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.

If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.

Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.

What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?

Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank