Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
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My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah