Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.

Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.

[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet

Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”

dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling

Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.

Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..

My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally

[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*

Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.

[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.

BOSS: I have some tough news

INVISIBLE MAN: Go on

BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities

INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.

Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.

I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.

All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

Me: Excuse me. I have a million presents to wrap and I need to buy some tape.

Store clerk: Scotch?

Me: Even better.

I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.

5: Daddy, can I help?

Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job

5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.

Me: [handing over tools]

Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box

I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!

They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…

Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.

If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles