mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
He wanted to make sure😂
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
