mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.
Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?
CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.
Me: …Oh
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
