@TheBoydP

Mammals for $500 Alex

“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”

What are sloths?

“Wrong, What are coworkers”

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@MollySneed

[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]

Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.

[slowly puts second tub in cart]

@mattZillaaaa

Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.

@NomDeBenoit

if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”

@jergarl

The Wizard of Oz is my favorite children’s book that teaches us that it’s ok to steal shoes from someone as long as they’re dead.

@FeralCheryls

I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps

@Jenny4ashley

I hate when people stare at me during sex. Like, seriously I don’t know you.

@Mom_Overboard

Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Not to brag, but at least six men have described me as “terrifying.”