Mammals for $500 Alex

“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”

What are sloths?

“Wrong, What are coworkers”

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[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]

Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.

[slowly puts second tub in cart]


Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.


if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”


The Wizard of Oz is my favorite children’s book that teaches us that it’s ok to steal shoes from someone as long as they’re dead.


I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps


I hate when people stare at me during sex. Like, seriously I don’t know you.


Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.


Not to brag, but at least six men have described me as “terrifying.”