Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
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Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues