Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.

Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.

Going for a poo could spell trouble!

Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?

I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane

I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.

9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?

Me: Go to your room.

“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”

My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch

When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”

[Job Interview]

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.

Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.

Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.

Got him!

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”

*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*

*wears camouflage to a family reunion*

“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”

What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?

They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light

Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.

Me: No more talking. Good night.

10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?