Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.

What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.

When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.

I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.

Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit

Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!

3yo: I want to help!

Me: You can help by being quiet.

3yo:

Me:

3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!

dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?

me: no, that’s a fence

Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?

Thank you.

Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776

coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?

From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”

That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.

Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.

Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’

But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’

So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”

How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam

Twitter dot com. *sigh*

Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT

Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE

Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide

People: lol nah

Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL

PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down

SUBJECT: ok

PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird

Seekh Kebab
Not attention

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …

If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.

My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.

{asks friend for help with a draft}

*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’

Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”