Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
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Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?