Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So inspired right now.

“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft

Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”

What a stupid idea for a tattoo.

I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me

God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school

scarecrow: i need a brain!

tin man: i need a heart!

me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item

dorothy: again, he’s not with us

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.

Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!

Me: We have to breakup.

Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.

I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.

Dear Satan…

For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.

Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

Breaking news:

Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza

Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.

I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…

menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy

This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?

Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.

Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.

I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography

Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.

I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!

he looks great for his age

Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches

You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget

I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.

Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.

Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.