Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
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They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating