Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
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Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had