Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.

HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.

ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end

HER: wtf?

This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.

Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?

Him: Tire me out baby.

Me: *feeds him pasta*

chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”

Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet

Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.

[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already

Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.

6yo: (raises hand)

Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)

6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?

I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal

God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?

“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name. lol.

God: are you serious?

Owl: no i’m Owl : )

God:

Owl:

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

You don’t need a therapist.

A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.

witch: what do u need?

me: a spell to make my dad proud

dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable

If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted

If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.

remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool

Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”

I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.