Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
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No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]