@Mike_Batt

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

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@RodLacroix

Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.

@pakalupapito

i want all the extra fat on my body to fall off and turn into $65,000 cash

@ericsshadow

My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.

@Mr_Kapowski

90% of women that wear yoga pants probably don’t do yoga. 100% of straight men don’t care.

@thelateinnings

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

@dinnersruined

How to lose a gf:

Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*

@LurkAtHomeMom

No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.

@MissHavisham

Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.