@Mike_Batt

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

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@knot_eye

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.

@UncleDuke1969

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.

@Sickayduh

I’m gonna strap a snowblower on my roof and start driving south. When someone asks me what it is, that’s where I’m gonna live.

@Book_Krazy

[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”

@osigat

<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.

@ghostkrogh

isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.

@TheMichaelRock

Do women know that it’s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?

@marknorm

Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.

Inmate: Who got me out?

Warden: A famous celebrity.

Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?

Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.

Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!

Warden: Just go man.

@Mom_Overboard

Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*

Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?

Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR

@Jesssicle

Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.