@Mike_Batt
@knot_eye
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
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@knot_eye
@UncleDuke1969
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
@Sickayduh
I’m gonna strap a snowblower on my roof and start driving south. When someone asks me what it is, that’s where I’m gonna live.
@Book_Krazy
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
@osigat
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
@ghostkrogh
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
@TheMichaelRock
Do women know that it’s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?
@marknorm
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
@Mom_Overboard
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
@Jesssicle
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.