Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

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Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.


i want all the extra fat on my body to fall off and turn into $65,000 cash


My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.


90% of women that wear yoga pants probably don’t do yoga. 100% of straight men don’t care.


i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top


How to lose a gf:

Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*


No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.


Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.