Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
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ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Finally, an explanation.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one