Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?

A Mootation

It tastes nothing like bourbon btw

*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought

*walks into a nuclear power plant

Do you serve fission chips?

I’ll see myself out..

I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.

Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.

Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.

Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.

my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going

Music Royalty Succession Chart

Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot

April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.

When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.

Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.

Her: He liked to ride fish?!

It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.

The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.

Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you

Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers

I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.

Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.

Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.

Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.

*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS

Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box

accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy

“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin