Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.

doctor: what seems to be the problem

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

doctor: go on

t-rex: because I’ve got little arms

doctor: get out

You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”

Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.

Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.

🤪😜

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.

Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.

Sometimes words are just not enough

And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower

I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.

take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.

In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.

I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.

No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.

You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.

When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check

just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know

Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.

I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

‘Pizza toppings. Go.’

-Me, speed dating.

my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices

I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.

do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats

Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”

this got me crying😭😭

Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.