Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again

King’s horses:

I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges

My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.

me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?

After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.

Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️

Wife: hey you shocked me!

Me: oh no! I am so sorry.

Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.

Me: [under breath] pika pika.

Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.

I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*

me: i have good and bad news

her: bad first

me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks

her: what’s the good news

me: i found waldo

Name this drama.

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”

We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.

2021

Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.

Managers: wut?

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

WHAT DO WE WANT!!!

A cure for hangovers

WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!

Please stop yelling

Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.

My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2

*gloating* I just broke the internet

Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.

Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice

Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-

John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE

Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.

And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?