A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
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Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
I’d use my best pan on you.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.