Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
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Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.