Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
You Might Also Like
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
She was REALLY feeling it.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
I think the cat got the dog high.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf