Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
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The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.