Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
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I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you