Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
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Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
New mindset, who dis?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it