man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
You Might Also Like
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
Good boy 😂😂
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.