man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
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If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
