man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
You Might Also Like
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter