[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
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I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Got ya covered
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]