[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
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I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands