Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶

Me: “And a million dollars.”

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶

Me: “And a million dollars.”

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶

Me: “Agree to disagree.”

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

[job interview]

Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?

An investigator.

When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.

Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.

God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife

Joseph:

God: starrrrrting now

I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.

*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers

Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.

Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?

#SometimesForFun I update signs at work

I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it

Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.

[before sex]

ME: Did you notice I waxed?

WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows

Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.

Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something

Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.

Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.

I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

And now…a ‘joke’.

“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”

“What seems to be the problem, madam?”

“It’s ROAR in the middle”

“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”

*coughs*

[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!

I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.

Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.

[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY

I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.