Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?

“Don’t make things all about you for once…”

My mother says hi.

As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.

I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.

*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.

Professor X: What’s your power?

Me: I can turn ice into cats.

Professor X: That’s ridiculous.

Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!

Me: I got this!

Polecats: Sonofa…

wife: i wish you’d moan during sex

[later, whilst doing the sex]

me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

‘How many lights do you wanton?”

“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”

~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.

grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them

*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by

Me: FOREHEAD KISSES

If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.

do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?

“get a dog” they said

“it’ll be fun” they said

yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard

I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality

Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS

Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila

The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?

Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.

10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*

I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks

When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young

Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok

Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.

ME: i honestly only had one drink

WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said

ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real