Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.

It’s Monday, but at what cost?

coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween

me: ur mom

coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–

me: matthew u never call

My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.

We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.

But I’m the one that needs meds?

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat

What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!

I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it

Me: *covers foot with blanket*

Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*

Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin

[taking out my Diva Cup]

Dracula: you gonna drink that?

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.

My flabber has been gasted.

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.

me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]

my date: why my jacket

Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer

When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters

Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’

~dogs in therapy

Feels like there should be a middle ground

Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”

Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:

6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”

Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”

6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”

Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”

Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”

baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing

Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?

Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.

I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.

Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.

It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life

Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle