Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(first day as a bartender)

customer: fifth of scotch.

me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.

I said: May divorce be with you…

beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”

After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.

It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.

Doctor: You have athletes foot

Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?

We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.

I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Dog:

Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.

Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY

yeah not falling for this one

The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.

Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.

*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*

Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9

[6 AM]

Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.

[morning bus drives by]

Child: What’s for breakfast?

My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”

wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.

Me redecorating every room in my mind

My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.

I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.

Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.

MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?

ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther

MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away

ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie