The boomerang is Australia’s chief export (and then import)
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
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wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
I’m worried that I’m gonna get a super judgey coroner.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die