Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
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All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you