Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.

My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half

Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.

i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”

*pulls up pants*

Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?

This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!

I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure

Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?

Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-

Him: *running away*

Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

A tragic love story in two pictures.

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

What the FU..

Wrong car

(I have a master’s degree)

There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.

– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?

hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.

I think I might be ready to start dating again?

Husband:

nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws

I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.

If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle

Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

Me to my children: I would kill and die for you

Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE

I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.

Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.

[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

Vaping must feel incredible, because NOBODY thinks it looks cool.

Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.