Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
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Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Can. I. Help. You.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.