Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
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I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Me: wow I have so much shit to do before I have to pick the kids up, I need to stop getting distracted
Also me: now seems like a good time to make a wreath using wild grapevines and dried flowers for my secret Santa
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”
I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.