Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
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I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.