Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
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Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end