“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
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“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
absolute chaos
Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity