Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.

911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.

Me: I WASNT READY

I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.

Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.

HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.

It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.

I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.

My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.

[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads:

I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”

throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..

The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.

I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.

I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

Detective: Don’t leave town.

Me, thinking about gas money: Ok

I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am

‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’

Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’

‘Who?’

Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’

A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.

My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.

Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.

Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*