Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold

I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.

My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]

Me: one internet please

JERY: Maybe you can just go back

TERESA MAY: go back ?

JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.

MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?

JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously

Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.

So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping

He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.

a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine

Him: where do you wanna go eat?

Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

date: i like the strong silent type

me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign

OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.

I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.

Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people

(Business)

Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.

“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you

perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower

[calling in sick]

BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?

ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure

Me: Just call me loaded fries!

Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉

Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.

I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!

Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.

One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather