Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
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nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
the greatest twitter interaction
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours