Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your husband’s super cute, is he single?

a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism

I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple

Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink

Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved

mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?

mom:

me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?

if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.

[job interview]

HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo

A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.

If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.

The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.

She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.

The news: Let’s ask a random idiot on the street what they think.

My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home

“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?

When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.

… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring

If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.

Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!

*stares into distance*

Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.

This is my emotional support chloroform rag

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.

whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know