Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady

If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds

me: *how* many seconds???

Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.

When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.

Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz

Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it

Dorothy: [inhaling]

Toto: FFS

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.

*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.

Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.

She: And yet you don’t shut up.

It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years

Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.

Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )

Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”

🧠

My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.

14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?

Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.

Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.

But with a hell of a lot more swearing.

I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.

I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her

Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.

The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.

Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”