man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
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(grounding my kid) go outside.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.