man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
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Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Phones down.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.