man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
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Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
a New Yorker reject, for you
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??