Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.

her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin

me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard

When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.

A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.

At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.

HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!

HIM:

HER:

HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours

I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.

The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”

Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:

-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma

[texting]

Me: I’m over IT.

Friend: Over what?

Me: You know…IT.

Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.

Me: IT as in Information Technology.

Friend: You CAN’T be over that.

[1 week later]

Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.

this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that

When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”

me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat

my friend: w-why do u know that

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”

Me: I’m so stressed

Heart: play some music you’ll feel better

Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better

Brain: cut all your hair off

Me: wait what?

Brain: today.

I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.

[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney

I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.

I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.

fedex driver: can i get a name?

sauron: i have many names

fedex driver: ok i just need one tho

serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?

Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high

First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.

Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.

It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.