Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”

ocean: *waves*

me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.

If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?

[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us

Him: I can’t sleep

Me: try counting sheep

Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?

Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*

“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…

that people can’t tell who I am

there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you

World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.

cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula

The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]

friend: holly shit. everything is gone

me: i’m gonna try out for the nba

friend: what

me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it

HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym

ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.

DATE: do you want kids?

ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted