Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal

If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing

My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”

how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!

Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!

Me: Where are you going?

Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.

[later]

Me: How was your trip?

Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.

*at a shower

Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.

[friend whispers to me]

Sorry. Wedding dress.

My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.

Anyway, she’s my new life coach.

Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?

FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.

Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good

ME: i’m gonna join the army

HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus

John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—

Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide

a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.

I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information

There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.

Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.

*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”

This is my pinned tweet

Nothing to do, you say?

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.

Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox

Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO

[job interview]

BOSS: Describe yourself

ME: Can’t you see me?