Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?

Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?

[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?

I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille

Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.

For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store

I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.

Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..

Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.

Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured

One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.

*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*

Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.

One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“

My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped

Chinese military tactics are pure genius.

School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”

Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose

Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni

No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.

*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!

Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body

I’m so glad the internet is like this now.

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.

What the hell kind of scary shit is that?