Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.

Our friends: [just married] we want kids

Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours

Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!

[in ambulance]

“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Yes it was like an angry rope

“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.

I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by saying they look tired.

screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them

*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.

I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.

boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them

me: oh, I don’t.

boss:

me: anything else?

Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.

SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”

None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.

“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”

-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie

ME: …

G: Only u didn’t give it to me

M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair

The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”

Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.

Me: This escape room sucks

My boss: This is a budget meeting…

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.

An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.

[Prison visit]

Me: I finally have a date for my execution

GF: WHO IS SHE

lmfao

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.

HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.