man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
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If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?