Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid question

Me from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!

Boss: GODDAMIT!

The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.

Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them

Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then

*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..

Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window

“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.

Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago

[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?

“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”

– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.

Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face

Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.

No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.

Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

Me: yes that number is zero

friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?

[First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”

If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.

I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.

living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.

The fall of Netflix

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.

So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley

Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.

Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.

[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”

Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead

Whoever named the period of time before a funeral a “Wake” should never be allowed to name anything ever again.