Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies

me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too

College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.

i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.

Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?

Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.

Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore

How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED

(say it fast)

[wine class]

Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?

ME: wine

Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?

ME: nope, still wine

judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.

me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?

One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed

Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.

Me: *coughs*

Coworker:

Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.

Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.

Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions

Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation

[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”

I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.

People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”

I’m gonna need a lot more than that.

If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano

I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.

*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*

*posts photo of me washing dishes*

*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*

78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.

In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.

Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.

Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.

Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.

Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.

Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly

I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine