Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
You Might Also Like
When I laugh on my period
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.