Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
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There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.