Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
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I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
i really liked this one
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil