Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts

alfred: you have lung cancer

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman:

alfred:

batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir, no

If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”

13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!

ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*

13YO: wut?

Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start

“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]

As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.

Must be doing something wrong.

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.

I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

Customer: can you help me?

Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?

“We could do that, or…”

Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.

Doormats are a gateway rug.

How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.

Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?

Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.

No one:

London landlords:

thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation

Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.

But it’s more likely a sociopath.

~Inspirational

why am I working on Labor Day

I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.