Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
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dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
live long and prosper!
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Thursday Thought.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it