Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣

my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas

I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭

When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.

Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.

My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?

Also my kid: Which way does the L go?

Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.

WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work

ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach

Inside Out 2:

The girl enters puberty.

Her emotions get out of control.

She goes Goth.

Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep

Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised

I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.

Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.

*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*

Try and spy on me now!

*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*

SON OF A

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?

Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.

May take them away tomorrow too.

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.

Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love

I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.

When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.

My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…

You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.

Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.

If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.

maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.

Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.

eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.