man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
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explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Venn
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.