man i love columbo
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Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
motivation
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
New word: Biscgret.
Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.