Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
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I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”