My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
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[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.