Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
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Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
on da cob, we all corn
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.