Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
You Might Also Like
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*
My husband: why are you taking notes
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]