Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.

I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.

Bit chilly again tonight.

Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.

One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

me: wanna do something fun?

her: already have plans

me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different

“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…

Unless, of course, I want to buy something.

ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-

ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be

Dear Abby,

I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?

the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?

Me: Who?

17: Scooper.

Me: Again, who?

17: Landlord’s son.

Me: COOPER?!

17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.

-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…

My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”

Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did

Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”

Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.

Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW

Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.

My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.

[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]

– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside

6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.

me irl

My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong

You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.

Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.